Adultry & Divorce.
Never ever EVEEEEERRRR did I for one millisecond think this would happen to me. Like E.V.E.R. Call me arrogant, blind, naive, just plain ole STUPID- all were applicable.
Still sometimes I stop and just ponder and remember those early days and I look where the monkeys and I are now, and I’m like “WHAT THE…”!!???
He was the last man on earth that I ever thought would do this.
Ahhhhh the art of being shamefully humbled. Like legit.
I mean we were in luuuuuuuuve. Like it could happen to anyone else, but NOT me. Not our marriage. Not him. We had such an epic story.
I honestly married an amazing man. Like he was the best. He wasn’t perfect of course, but I would be lying if I said anything other than the reality that I adored him. He adored me. After ten years of marriage we still wrote love notes to each other. We still wrote love songs for each other. We were taking the ministry world by storm!! (Of course we were faarrrr from perfect but seriously we had it good!!)
Amazing marriage – Check
Amazing kids – Check
Amazing friends – Check
Amazing ministry – Check
Top of our game and it felt like life opportunities were only just beginning. We still had so much of life left to explore and experience!!
I was so blissfully, blindly unaware that such a devastation as this could happen to me, that even during the affair and even with plenty of warning signs, I didn’t even for one second consider it as an option or an explanation for all of the strange and weird that was going on during that time.
See even Amazing has cracks. And cracks become crevices. And crevices become craters if you’re not careful.
And let me say this. Cause so much speculation and gossip and plain ‘ole BS surround a journey such as this- especially when you are in a certain profile and position such as ministry…
Even amazing marriages get tested and even amazing men (and women) make really awful, life-altering, agony inflicting decisions.
And after tragedy struck, I would sit there knowing that no marriage is perfect, knowing that no one has it perfect; but I would question and scream why oh why did my marriage have to be cracked wide open for everyone to see!?! Why did mine have to be shattered and exposed. Why not someone else’s!? Ohhhhh the ‘why me’s?’ that I whined about…millions upon millions of them. The ears of heaven must have been pleading- “Girl will you just shut up already!!?” 😉
I would sit there and think, “Awesome, now people will think that what we had wasn’t genuine or real or that I didn’t keep it hot in the kitchen (Ohhhhhhhh I did!!!!! Trust me I DID!! I could say more but I had better refrain!!;) or that there were issues the whole time.” It was so hard to sit back, rest secure and let God be my defence. To learn the invaluable lesson that I had so painfully been blind to before- that what man thinks cannot be my security, cannot be my identity. I was forced through an agony that I didn’t know I was capable of surviving, to find that Christ alone had to be my all sufficient One.
When my husband told me he had been having an affair and had gotten his mistress pregnant and then left us, I had to pull back and hide. I had to pull away from ministry and from the spotlight, I even had to pull away from church. I had to draw my monkeys close to me and hide protected amongst a handful that I knew I would be safe with.
It was the only way I was going to cope. Only way I was going to find oxygen again.
My decision didn’t make sense to most. But it was just what I had to do. There was this Whisper deep inside me that was extremely quiet and yet extremely secure and I knew that no matter what would ensue, I had to go with where this Whisper was leading me. I made some radical and bold decisions. I had to, for the first time in my life, really be an adult. I had to make choices and decisions all on my own. You see I married soooo young- 19!!! Too young!!! (that’s for my kids for whenever they read this haha) I moved out of my dad’s house into my husbands. I mean guys, I’m gon keep it real for ya- i didn’t even know how to pay an electricity bill!!!!!!!! SHOCK. HORROR. SHAME. EMBARRASSMENT!!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!! It’s bad I know!!! ;0 (Truuuuuuust me when I say I now know how to pay the electricity bill!!! Even the gas bill too!!!!)
So now for the first time ever in my life I was in charge of my own life. My choices were my own. I felt God tell me this: “I give you permission to make mistakes…”
I cannot tell you how freeing that was!!!!!! I lived under this pressure to please and to perform and to live up to others’ expectations. And now I could make choices and decisions in my life based on what I dreamed and desired!?! Ahhhhh soo freeing!!!!! And so FUN!!
Of course not a license for me to go and do whatever I want at whatever cost, but permission for me to L.I.V.E. To be fully A.L.I.V.E. -to find out what I really believe, how I really see things, how I really see Him.
And I honestly feel like that is exactly what I am doing. Yes stumbling and making plenty of mistakes, yes still occasionally finding myself on the kitchen floor at 2am weeping, but honestly I look back on these past three and a half years and I can see His fingerprints all over the steps that have led me to the place I am today. I cannot even begin to recount His faithfulness to me. So explicitly faithful.
I will be honest and say though that the choices I made along this journey have come at a cost. I lost many friends. Friends that I had had for over a decade. Friends that I did life and ministry with. Even had to walk through betrayal of a friendship I held dear for 15 years.
I got off all social media, I got completely out of the spotlight that I had known for so long and I just hid. I didn’t defend what I knew was truth. I listened and crumbled and ached beyond what I thought I was able to cope with as I heard the stories flying around. As I heard people tell it from one to another each time seeing truth that really only I knew first hand, becoming a little less truer, a little less purer.
I screamed and cursed at God. I cried out to Him. I clung to but a few. I made L.O.T.S. of mistakes. I got beautifully and painfully humbled.
Oh so humbled.
And let me tell you, humbling hurts like hell.
I ached as those I had loved for so long listened to lies without even coming to me to hear my heart, to hear my agony, to simply ask me questions.
My extremely safe and naive bubble wrap was well and truly being popped and I absolutely hated it. I wanted God to take me. I felt like I wanted to die. (I’ll share all about that another time.)
That’s why I hashtag #poppingbubblewrap all the time. I was sheltered in this world of bubblewrap. Unaware that my enemy was even capable of bringing such destruction to my life. Unaware of real life, real humanity.
You know what though, I needed my bubble wrap to be popped. I was living in a false sense of reality. I couldn’t fully understand or relate to the measure and depth of peoples’ agony with so much bubble wrap in the way. I, in a sense, needed to find Him in a way that can ONLY be found through walking through the fire. That’s not to say that the choices that were made that caused me to have to walk through this journey, were good, right or excusable. Ummm clearly not. And that is absolutely not to say that every marriage should walk through this or will- Ummmm N.O.T. But, honestly I would not have had to have found Him in the way I was forced to, had this all not happened. I would not have known the measure and depth to which I could be stretched. I wouldn’t know Brave like I do now. I wouldn’t know true Strength like I have found now. I believe it’s all been a part of a master plan. S.O.V.E.R.E.I.G.N.I.T.Y
I talk to my Creator and I’m like- “You and me, Jesus we are legit!! We are the real deal!! Cuz we been through Sh*# and back and we are still standing, still going strong!! We SOOO got this!!” 😉
And my bubble wrap is popped. In fact a few days after “That Day”, as I affectionately call it;) I said to my dad on the phone- “Dad, there is nothing that will surprise me anymore. You could tell me you were gay and I’d be like- Yup okay.” Hahaha;) My dad is 100% heterosexual but the point being that this betrayal would rock and shake me in such a way that my foundation would be forged into a strength, I believe, that will be able to weather any storm.
Honestly. I am grateful.
And on that note of grateful…in grateful anticipation (prophetically throwing it forward haha) I cannot cannot WAIT to be married again. Siiiiiigh. It will be a good day. A very very good day. And THIS time I am wearing THREE dresses!!! Yup you read right. T.H.R.E.E. After having to walk through everything this journey has thrown at me , you better believe I shall be showing off His faithfulness and recompense and restoration H.U.G.E.
Wherever you are, Baby, you had better be saving!!! 😉
In the perfect time.
Stupid, dumb, lame patience!!! 😉
(Meanwhile those who are close to me get annoyingly and quite frequently asked- “I will get married again, right!? Promise me I will!!??)
Anywayssssss more about that in another post;)
Now…Three and a half years later…
I’m sharing my story.
Not out of spite or out of a vengeful heart. I want to continually and by grace choose to walk in such a way that shares my truth but does so with dignity.
I will quote this to the day I die: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story.” Maya Angelou.
I want to share my story because in doing so it is my freedom.
This particular journey, one that I did not choose for myself, farrrrrrr too many have also found themselves on.
Truth sets free.
So if my broken, my agony, my triumphs, my mistakes, my victories can encourage or breathe a measure of life into another, then my agony was not for vain. That makes the oceans of tears, the desperation of lonely, the betrayal of rejection, the fear of moving forward somehow worth it.
Stumble & Grow. Stumble & Grow. Stumble & Grow. Stumble & Grow.
So much to share… and in no particular order!!
How to survive and then how to thrive…finding Him…grief…anger…forgiveness…dealing with lonely…warning signs…hope for the future…figuring out a career!!…single parenting (OMG) haha…dating (OHHHHEMGEEE) 😉 🙂 :)…believing for Lenny;)
My journey is my song and I am excited about singing some of these chapters for anyone who wants to listen…