So I have been mulling though some pretty deep things over the past couple of weeks and have been in what I call (prepare thyself!!!) a real “Mind F#$&”.
I’m talking lots of tears, lots of frustration, lots of deep and pensive soul searching, lots of intense conversations with Him.
I had a couple of hours to myself at the beach the other day equipped with the essentials required for such a dire state:
-a roll of toilet paper (classy i know haha)
-playlist and headphones
-bars of carob chocolate!!!
-and the most profound book I have EVER read
I would love to say that the couple hours solved everything and miraculously revolutionised my world in such a way that brought instant clarity and direction and I left the beach leaping and dancing to Downtown by Macklemore!!! Buuuuuuuuut… the next day for me held even more emotional exhaustion and let’s just cut to the chase life don’t quite work like that!!! Blaaaaaaaaah.
But an exchange did happen. Maybe small but it happened.
My beginning convo at the beach with Him went something like this:
“I don’t flipping understand what you are doing!? I don’t LIKE what is going on!!!! I want answers and CLEAR explicit instructions and directions!!!!! Why the hell does it just keep getting more complex!? Is there seriously ANY END to the challenges and the set backs!?!?! I mean hooooooow much more can one person take!!!??? Two steps forward…10 frikkin steps back. I want to see some clarity ASAP!!! Why do other people seem to be sooooo damn successful!?!? Why is it sooooo much easier for them!?!?! Especially those that DONT know You!!!!! I mean, I’m considering some options here, God!! Are you even listening!?!?!? (yeah I’m sure its a real threat to Him hahahahaha) Just tell me what I am doing wrong and I will fix it!! Tell me what exact steps to take and rest assure I will take them!! I like 1+1=2 kind of strategies and instructions!!! This whole journey of discovery and stumbling and paaaaaiiiiiiinful growing and figuring it all out thing SUUUUUUUUUX!!!!!! I’m in my 30’s and I feel like I have literally started all over again with the basics of absolutely everything!!! And what the hell happened to all my progress these past 4 years!?!?!? JUUUUUULIEEEEEEEEE HELP ME!!!!!!!!! (that’s my counsellors name hahahahahahah)”
I yelled ALL this out at the beach in my loudest ’thinking’ voice possible!! (I mean, whilst I am quite free and expressive, there were other real live people on the beach and I do at least try practice some moderate level of self restraint!! Minute and tiny as it may be Haha)
After using up the entire roll of t.p. for my angry as tears and snot bubbles…
After writing furiously in my journal…
After listening to my favoured playlist…
After dismally failing at writing my emotions to song…
After eating all my bars of carob chocolate (I will not even tell you how many!!!;0 )
I finally picked up my beloved book and read chapter 3 again…
And let me tell you the tears began to flow again. Except this time with brokeness.
I sat on the beach with uncontrollable sobs escaping involuntarily (all sense of self dignity and restraint looooong gone by now!!!!)
And I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit all over me in the most tangible way. And in a loud and clear inaudible voice, I heard my Creator say these words to me:
“Stop fighting my Mystery, ReRe…”
Ahhhhhhh it moved me something fierce. It was SO clearly Him.
No it didn’t fix anything, yes my brain was still musing through so many things, no the steps were not clear and concise, and no Lenny did not instantly appear on bended knee on the beach before me!!(haha)
He spoke to me.
He frustrates me to NO END but He is my Creator and at the very core of my being I know He is fiercely jealous for me and protective of me and…
He Loves me…Purest and Faithful.
He speaks to us all in so many different ways but please please PEASE get this book and chew your way through it. It is seriously UNBELIEVABLE.
Oh and eat loooooots of delicious carob!!! (Go the Banjo Bears!!)
And listen to Macklemore.